I wonder what it is that I really long for. A happy marriage? Chance has given me that. A house? Material things?

It's not you, per se. Not your approval, your blessing or your love. Certainly, you are not the pinnacle of any of that. It's really all bullshit.

Instead I will be an example of indifference. A perfect model. The very avatar of apathy.
No matter how hard I try I am always easy. I'm transparent. The dot matrix of my heart is wretched and raw. A scab picked clean and infected over and over. The perfect cliche.

Jaw set, nothing given away. You can't hurt me.

No one can.

Epiphany?

Are you fucking kidding me that the lube we use kills sperm within 60 minutes of ejaculation???

Old Forge

I was on vacation last week and I read a bunch of YA novels. I really need to work on starting one, but I can tell that it's going to be one of those things I 'shoulda done'. The time is now, but I'm too damned tired and annoyed and frustrated to actually get the finger out.
At least I have pretty pictures to look at.

Nothing to see here

Really. There's nothing. Mom had a CAT scan today for the blue-making new chemo she'll be given.
Connor's after being sent home from work because he's so ill, and I am going for a nap in 53 minutes. I swear it'll be the best nap EVAR!!!!111111!, but I'm not sure I can wait that long.

Cats are sleeping and shedding around me.


Look. The goal is to write every day. I never promised that the writing would be good, or even coherent.

Self Loathing

Has been at an all time high in the last month.
My mother's health has been shitty, but she seems to be on the mend. I bet Connor could have gone an entire month without finding my mother in a diabetic coma. I know I could have.

I was particularly shitty to the Amazing Juanita, and really fucked shit up in a conversation that lasted, oh, about 10 minutes. She's accepted my apology (see: amazing), but of course I'm harder on myself than anyone else.

I will say this: I've lost 15lbs since January. I wish it were more like 26, but I'll take what I can get.

Summertime and the livin' ain't easy, but it's better than the alternative.

Drabbles

So, I went over my points (and into my weekly stash) today.

Fear not! This was not a case of me eating my feelings, as it were, it's simply that I weighed in today so tonight's really the one night I can eat stupidly with little remorse. Did I get a grilled cheese sangwich and a chocolate shake, with a cupcake for dessert? Nope. Half a turkey club and some fries. Not terrible!
So far I've lost 7.5lbs in four weeks. This ain't bad. Only a billion more weeks to go.

In other news, I'm still very sad that I'm not pregnant. This doesn't mean that I'm not happy for my friends who are knocked up, I'm sad for me. And Connor, of course.

Sad.

And Again

Just got the email saying that the Amazing Juanita and George are not going on vacation because of the pregnancy.

I'm going to crawl back into my pit of despair.